


Heavy Hearts

by The_Golden_Dice



Series: Simon in Love [6]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Explicit Language, Family Dynamics, M/M, Post-Canon, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-04-23 19:03:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19157071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Golden_Dice/pseuds/The_Golden_Dice
Summary: A visit to Bram’s conservative dad goes badly wrong, leaving Simon with questions about Bram’s feelings towards him. Bram suffers due to his dad’s actions and Simon tries to be there for him.* Includes some Spier sibling fluff - Alice and Nora are too lovable to not be included somewhere* Has a Bram pov chapter in According to Bram





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for Chapter 6 - dealing with depression. 
> 
> Warning for Chapter 7 - dismissal of sexual orientation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon’s heart sank at the knowledge that Bram would be sleeping so near, yet so far away from him.

_Si, you’ve been awol since the weekend. What’s going on?_

 

_Bram’s step-mom had her baby. I’ve been invited to visit Savannah with him - for a whole week. Totally out of nowhere. We leave tomorrow._

 

_That’s awesome!_

 

_Yeah, I guess._

 

_But that’s not the only reason you’ve been quiet. I know you._

 

_..._

 

_So, what was it like?_

 

_...it?_

                                                             

_You know exactly what I’m referring to. Actually, don’t tell me. I don’t want to be picturing it the next time I see Bram. So awkward._

 

_I wasn’t planning on giving you any sordid details…_

 

_But still, maybe safer not to say anything._

_Okay_.    

_You need to get off messenger anyway. Go to sleep. Big day tomorrow, right? Goodnight. Love you._

 

 _Night Leah. Love you back._  

Simon shut down his laptop and tossed it over to the other side of his bed. While he and Bram had been enjoying their weekend together, Bram’s step-mom had had her baby. To Simon’s complete surprise he had been invited to go with Bram to Savannah to meet the new arrival. It honesty felt like the invite had come out of thin air. Simon wondered if Bram had maybe been the one to suggest the whole thing to his dad. He hadn’t said anything to Simon about it though.

Bram had shown Simon a picture of new-born baby Caleb on his phone. Caleb was cute and squishy, and really, really angry looking. He actually looked a lot like a small, furious version of Bram - who seemed pleased at the arrival of his new brother. Simon had been kinda worried that Bram would be upset, but he really did appear to be okay – especially when he’d told Simon that he was invited to visit Savannah with him.

Of course, Simon’s mind had taken the whole situation as a perfect opportunity to overthink every single detail about the one time he’d met Bram’s dad. Bram had thought that it went really well, and Simon had to agree that Mr Greenfeld had been perfectly nice to him. Simon just couldn’t shake a weird feeling about the whole thing. He accepted that he was probably being extremely paranoid.

~

Bram pulled into Simon’s driveway and jumped out of his car to shake hands with Jack, who had insisted on wheeling Simon’s small suitcase outside to put it in Bram’s car. Simon had let his dad do it, even though it was completely unnecessary. Bram joined Simon at the front door where he was saying goodbye to his mom.

“Morning Emily.” Bram smiled.

“Hey Bram.” Simon’s mom pulled Bram into a hug.

“You’ll drive safe right?” Emily said, after letting him go.

“I will.” Bram looked at Simon and gave him a grin. They both knew that Emily was over-the-top about road safety, but they appreciated her concern.

“Okay good. Have an amazing week, both of you. And give that brother of yours a big hug from me.”

Emily turned back to Simon and drew him into another embrace. Simon was used to this behaviour. His mom always got a bit emotional when any of her kids left home for more than a few days. The aftermath of Alice’s departure to University had been awful.

“Bye mom. Love you.”

Emily was just about to reply when Jack approached the front of the house.

“Let them go, honey. It’s only a week.” His tone was playful, but he threw a protective arm around his wife’s shoulders and kissed her on the head. “Have a great time boys.”

After saying a few more goodbyes to Jack and Emily, Simon and Bram got into the car. They decided to get coffee before leaving Shady Creek. Simon was in charge of music, as usual, and selected a playlist that Alice had made for him before she’d moved out. His only regret from the past weekend was missing a visit with his big sister. When his parents and Nora had returned home, their stories about Alice and what she was up to at University had made Simon realise how much he wished he could see her. At least listening to her favourite songs made it seem like she wasn’t so far away. Simon let himself get lost in the music, and hardly noticed his surroundings as they left Shady Creek behind.

~

“This one always leaves me a little confused.” Bram said, between the final sips of his iced latte.

Simon looked over at Bram, surprised that he even recognised what was playing. Bram and Alice’s music tastes were pretty different.

“My mom is a Florence fan.” Bram said, by way of explanation.

“So is mine.” Simon smiled. “So why do you get confused?”

“Okay, so, she’s in love with this person, right? But she wants to destroy them. Seems counterproductive to me.”

Bram grinned mischievously at Simon, and Simon realised that Bram was challenging him. Their debates regarding song lyrics had gotten fairly heated in the past. They had realised early on that they both enjoyed getting into friendly arguments with each other about music and movies.

“I think she wants to consume the other person. So that they can be together forever.” Simon replied.

“Maybe a tad extreme!?” Bram laughed.

“Well, yeah.” Simon laughed along with Bram for a minute, then grew quiet. “I think I know where she’s coming from though.”

Bram didn’t reply. He put his empty coffee cup down and remained silent for a few minutes, concentrating on the road. Eventually he glanced at Simon with a small, shy smile.

“Forever is a long time.” He said quietly.

Simon looked at Bram, who no longer seemed in the mood to debate. In fact, his face had gone red.

Shit, Simon thought.

He was forever putting his foot in it by mistake.

~

Caleb not only looked angry, but acted angry as well. Under no circumstances would he let Simon hold him, which Simon was pretty okay with. Bram managed to calm the baby down long enough to get a few pictures, but eventually Bram’s step-mom decided to put him to bed. Bram’s dad chuckled as she took Caleb upstairs.

“He’ll be more settled tomorrow. He’s just tired.” Mr Greenfeld said affectionately.

Simon couldn’t help hoping he was right - a week full of Caleb screaming was going to be fairly stressful.

“Well boys, now that you’ve met Caleb, we can have some dinner and get you settled in. Bram you’ll be in your room as always. Simon, we’ve set up a camp bed in my office for you. It’s just down the hall.”

Simon looked to where Bram’s dad was pointing. The office was down a hallway to the left of the kitchen.

Simon caught Bram’s eye and couldn’t help noticing his own disappointment mirrored there. They hadn’t exactly expected to be allowed to share a bed, but Bram had told Simon that he’d probably be sleeping in the guest room, which was upstairs with the other bedrooms. Instead, Simon was being kept as far away from Bram as possible, on an entirely different floor of the house. Simon’s heart sank at the knowledge that Bram would be sleeping so near, yet so far away from him. He tried extremely hard to reassure himself that this was happening because they were both teenagers, not because they were both boys.       

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Florence + the Machine song Simon and Bram talk about is Howl. Also, you might notice a sentence fragment here and there from Bram. Simon is rubbing off on him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The things you do to me Bram Greenfeld.” Simon whispered, laughing softly.

Simon couldn’t decide whether he felt frustrated, angry, or upset. All he knew was that there was a dull ache inside of him. Lying in the musty darkness on a shitty little camp bed didn’t help in the slightest. He turned on some music in an attempt to calm his emotions. Thank god for shuffle, because he felt too apathetic to be making any decisions.

Dinner had been an awkward affair, with Bram attempting to conceal his annoyance over the sleeping arrangements. Simon knew that even though Bram was unhappy, he would struggle to openly question his dad’s decision. Bram’s relationship with Mr Greenfeld was something Simon didn’t fully understand. It was almost like there was an invisible wall between them that encouraged false politeness. Simon had to imagine that it came from their years of living apart, because Bram was much more easy going with his mom. In fact, Bram seemed like he was more comfortable with Simon’s parents than his own dad at times. Simon also picked up on the fact that Bram hardly made eye contact with his step-mom throughout the meal.

After they had eaten, the boys had been ushered into the sitting room where they were subjected to what Simon could only call a grilling about the upcoming school year. It was something that Simon knew Bram would have usually enjoyed, especially because he valued his dad’s opinion about school. The whole chat had felt off, though, and it had left Simon feeling worn out and demoralised. He really hoped things would pick up over the next few days. 

~

Simon jerked out of his doze at the sound of the office door opening. A sliver of light from the hallway outside allowed him to see Bram making his way quietly into the room. Bram raised a long finger up to his lips as he crept towards Simon’s camp bed. Simon chuckled silently to himself. As if he was really planning to make any noise. Simon sat up as Bram perched himself down on the edge of the bed.

“Bram” Simon hissed, trying to keep his voice as low as possible. “This crappy thing won’t hold our combined weight!” 

“Oh, right.” Bram promptly grabbed Simon’s duvet from him and spread it on the floor. He proceeded to sit down on top of it, cross-legged. Simon bashed Bram lightly with a pillow as punishment for stealing his covers, then eased himself off the camp bed to sit next to him, copying his sitting position. 

“Missed you.” Bram whispered. 

Simon could see a little of the streetlights as they peeked through the curtains and reflected in Bram’s eyes. He smiled softly. Bram was beautiful, even in the dark. Simon rocked his body forward to wrap his arms around Bram’s torso, nuzzling into the sleep t-shirt that covered his skin. 

“Same.” Simon replied, trying to keep his voice hushed. He drew back to sit apart from Bram slightly. “This feels very clandestine you know.” 

Bram wiggled his eyebrows in response. Simon almost missed the gesture due to the lack of light in the room. 

“Seriously, you’re going to get us caught.” Simon tried not to laugh at Bram’s ridiculous expression. He felt so much lighter than he had when he was alone.

“I almost don’t care if I do.” Bram whispered earnestly.

Simon sighed. He was about to respond that he almost didn’t either, when Bram leaned forward to catch his mouth in a soft kiss. Simon sank into it, closing his eyes and resting his hands on Bram’s shoulders. Before long Bram fell slowly backwards, pulling Simon down on top of him. Simon gently forced Bram’s mouth open with his tongue, needing more from the kiss. Bram was happy to oblige. 

Simon lost track of how long he and Bram had been kissing. All he knew was that he was getting hot, and he was struggling to keep his breathing under control. Kissing Bram was addictive. As soon as the thought crossed his mind, Simon knew they should stop. They were being kept apart for a reason, and Bram had broken the rules. He wanted to feel Bram’s hands all over him, and that was not a good idea. 

“Bram.” Simon gasped, pushing himself up. “We should stop.” 

“I know. I know.” Bram panted, gazing at Simon intently. He looked as though he wanted to argue, but eventually he said “Okay. We’ll stop.” 

Bram sat up. The look on his face almost made Simon squirm. It took every bit of self control Simon had not to push Bram back down and rip his t-shirt off of him. Simon realised that such behaviour would definitely lead to Bram staying. He reminded himself that he really needed to calm down. 

“The things you do to me Bram Greenfeld.” Simon whispered, laughing softly. 

“Ditto.” Bram replied, grinning in the way that always twisted Simon’s heart. 

~

After Bram had returned to his own room, Simon took a few minutes to rearrange his duvet and pillows. He felt less alone despite the fact that Bram had had to leave. He got himself into his normal sleeping position, and thoughts of Bram helped him drift off into sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bram’s face was red, his breathing uneven. Simon had never seen him so angry.

Simon lay down on the hard camp bed, having just opened the curtains. The office was filled with an orange glow from the streetlights. It made Simon feel warm as he thought of the weekend before and the way the light had looked in his bedroom when he and Bram slept together.

Throughout the day, memories of that night kept coming to Simon when he least expected them, especially when Bram was close by. He would catch a hint of Bram’s scent and his mind would suddenly be back there. Once or twice he had made eye contact with Bram and had known that he was thinking about it as well - their little secret. It was almost cruel that their physical contact was so limited in Savannah, and Simon suspected it was partly responsible for his inability to stop thinking about sex.

Simon didn’t know exactly when Bram was planning to sneak downstairs to visit him. All he knew was that he wanted the room to be brighter than it had been the night before, so that he could see Bram properly. Simon was planning to get the t-shirt off of his boyfriend as soon as possible this time round. They hadn’t had an opportunity to be alone together all day, but just after Bram had left Simon to head upstairs to bed, Simon had received a text.

_I’ll be down soon._

That was all it had said.

Simon’s stomach had lurched with excitement. He knew that Bram cared very little for his dad’s stupid sleeping arrangements and honestly, Simon was okay with that. He was still annoyed with the situation himself.

To pass the time until Bram showed up, Simon thought back over the day. He and Bram had spent most of it with Caleb, who was much more settled after a decent sleep, it would seem. He didn’t do much, being a new-born baby, but it had been nice for Simon to see Bram interact with his brother. Bram’s step-mom had stayed with them part of the time while Mr Greenfeld left to run errands. Simon could still feel some tension between Bram and his step-mom. He was so unused to step-families, but he was starting to get the feeling that all of the awkwardness might actually be normal.

~

Simon sat up as the door opened. Bram smiled upon noticing the open curtains, and after closing the door behind him, made his way to where Simon had already lain out his blankets and pillows on the floor.

“Hey” Bram whispered, reaching for Simon’s hand.

Simon moved to sit beside Bram. He let Bram take his hand and kiss it gently.

“Bram.”

Simon’s voice came out husky. He knew how he sounded, and he realised that Bram had picked up on it. Bram looked as though he was considering something, just for a second, before speaking again.

“I want you Simon. I’ve wanted you all day.”

It came out a little louder than it should have, and Bram gave a breathy laugh. His words had made Simon twitch inside his pyjama bottoms. Simon reached to cup Bram’s face, pulling him down slightly into a kiss that they lost control of almost immediately. Simon grasped the hem of Bram’s t-shirt and lifted it over Bram’s upstretched arms. He broke away from Bram’s lips and began moving downwards, kissing and sucking messily over Bram’s neck and collarbone.

Bram groaned in the back of his throat as he tried to remove Simon’s own shirt. Simon wanted his mouth on Bram’s hard chest muscles, but before he had the chance to move further down he felt Bram fumbling with the drawstring of his pyjamas. Bram pushed Simon lightly backwards and hooked his fingers in Simon’s waistband. When he pulled Simon’s bottoms down, Simon felt his hardness spring free. Bram adjusted his position slightly, and then he was on Simon, carefully taking the full length of Simon’s dick into his mouth.

Simon bunched his right hand into a fist and pressed it hard against his lips, terrified to let any sound escape.

A moment later, Simon heard the scrape of the office door against the carpet as it opened.

Simon jerked up into a sitting position. His heart sank as he made eye contact with Bram’s dad, who promptly turned and left, walking down the long hallway towards the sitting room.

Simon looked at Bram, who had removed himself to the opposite end of the duvet. Bram looked wounded. Simon wanted to reach for him, but Bram’s body language was closed off. Simon stayed put. Bram shook his head slightly, as if to bring himself back from wherever his mind had tried to escape to.

“Stay here, love.” Bram said, gesturing to Simon to stay seated.

He stood and followed his dad, closing the door so that Simon was left alone.

The silence was palpable as Simon got himself dressed. He wondered abstractedly if he was in shock after noticing that he was shaking. He sat on the camp bed, trying desperately to reassure himself that everything was going to be okay. Taking deep breaths, he pushed the lump in his throat back down where it had come from. Don’t cry, he told himself. Don’t cry.

It felt like hours, but it must have only been minutes before Bram returned, and Simon knew instantly that things were not okay. Bram’s face was red, his breathing uneven. Simon had never seen him so angry. Simon watched Bram’s dad retreat up the stairs at the end of the hall, before snapping his attention back to Bram, who had taken a shaky breath in order to speak.

“You have to leave Si. He’s making you go home.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That night, as he lay in the dark, Simon finally allowed himself to think about Bram. He’d been putting it off all day.

_He didn’t see anything Si._

 

_Well, he saw something, but I was in front of you remember?_

 

_You’ve not been exposed or anything._

 

_Si, answer me? There’s no way you’re asleep right now._

 

_Simon please._

~

Wrapped in his duvet, lying on the floor, Simon knew he would be awake for the rest of the night. That was how he wanted it. He couldn’t fall asleep in this house now - he never wanted to feel vulnerable in this place again. He would make sure he was up and ready to leave before everyone else. Bram’s last words to him before retreating upstairs after his dad were to tell Simon he’d be on one of the first buses home in the morning.

Simon’s anger raged up like a wild thing living inside him, trying to break free. With great effort, he pushed it back down again. Bram’s dad didn’t deserve any kind of reaction. He didn’t get to see how Simon was hurt, how his heart felt like it might just give up at any minute. In the morning, Simon would be stoic, numb, and unaffected. At least, that was the plan.

Simon brushed a hot tear off of his face. His pillow was getting really wet. No matter, he wasn’t going to sleep anyway. A voice sounded from up above. It was muffled, but Simon could tell it was female - Bram’s step-mom. She sounded pissed. There had been no noise from upstairs until now. It had to have been at least half an hour since Bram and his dad left. Simon couldn’t find it in him to care what she was annoyed about or why it had taken her so long to react to what had happened.

~

“Bram, you have two minutes to say goodbye. Simon… Have a safe journey.”

Bram’s dad turned on his heel and walked swiftly back towards the bus station building. The words he had just spoken were the only ones Simon had heard from him all morning. He hadn’t seen Bram’s step-mom at all. Simon looked at Bram. The pain in his eyes matched what Simon was feeling, and yet Simon held back. He wasn’t about to embrace Bram now, when his dad was probably watching them.

They only had two minutes.

“Si, I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.” Bram looked at his feet. Then, in a smaller voice; “why didn’t you reply to me last night?”

Simon considered Bram’s question. He thought of the furious creature that resided in his chest. It had been especially active around the time Bram’s texts had come through. Simon could still feel it, just waiting for another attack to hit.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t Bram. I was so…”

“Upset.” Bram cut in.

“No. Angry.” Simon replied.

He knew he sounded short. It wasn’t intentional but he couldn’t help it.

“Oh…” Bram was struggling to look into Simon’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He said again.

“I know, Bram. You should probably go. Your dad might come back out.”

Simon was trying desperately to hold it together.

“Yeah, okay. Um, text me on the bus? Or when you get home, whatever you want.”

Bram reached for Simon’s hand. Simon let him take it and give it a small squeeze before pulling it back and turning towards his bus. He didn’t look at the spot where Bram was standing until he had found himself a seat. When he glanced back at the concourse, Bram was already gone. Simon’s eyes filled with tears.

~

Pushing open the front door, Simon was overwhelmed with relief. It felt good to finally be home. He really didn’t want to see anyone right then, and was making his way towards the stairs when he heard movement in the kitchen.

“Hey, bub?”

Simon stopped abruptly and turned towards the back of the house. He was about to cross the threshold to the kitchen when Alice stepped into the hallway. Simon threw his arms around her, almost knocking her off her feet.

“Jeez bub, that’s quite a welcome!”

Alice was laughing as she hugged Simon back. He took a step away from her, not quite believing she was there. Alice must have been able to read his confused expression.

“I missed you last weekend.” She shrugged. “I got here yesterday. I’m staying until Friday. Obviously you weren’t supposed to be home yet…” Alice looked at Simon speculatively after a brief pause. “What were you thinking Si?”

“I wasn’t.”

Simon felt his face crumple. That was the honest truth of it - he hadn’t been thinking. He had been so overwhelmed by his longing for Bram that he got careless. Alice nodded her head in understanding and ruffled Simon’s hair. He was all cried out from the lonely bus journey, but Alice was obviously expecting tears, because she yanked a scruffy tissue from her pocket and threw it lightly at his face. Simon couldn’t help but laugh. Just then, Nora came through from the dining room.

“Grilled cheese, Si?”

~

Sitting with his sisters, laughing at Youtube videos - Simon couldn’t help but feel slightly better. They had had the wonderful foresight to send the parents out to a movie, knowing that Simon would want to avoid any heavy conversation when he got home. Nora had him almost choking on his lunch when she called Bram’s dad a dick. He’d never heard her swear like that in his life. Alice agreed that he sounded like a complete asshole. When Simon asked if their mom and dad were angry at the situation, his sisters both agreed that Mr Greenfeld had borne the brunt of their combined fury. They were especially mad that he had allowed Simon to travel home alone.

Simon knew he would have to have a discussion with his parents when they got home, if only to ask them not to make this a bigger deal than it already was.

~

That night, as he lay in the dark, Simon finally allowed himself to think about Bram. He’d been putting it off all day. He didn’t want to face up to the fact that he’d probably hurt Bram with his coldness at the bus station. He hoped that Bram would understand why he’d acted that way. Simon decided it would be best to just admit that he’d done wrong and apologise.

_Hey, I know it’s late and you’re probably sleeping but I just need to get this off my chest. I’m so sorry that this is the first time I’ve text you today. This morning when I left you I just felt unbelievably shitty. I think I’ve maybe been in shock or something? Anyway I’m about to try and sleep but I wanted you to have this apology to wake up to._ _I love you Bram. Speak to you soon._

Simon tossed his phone away and closed his eyes. He was unaware of the passing of time, but could sense sleep pulling him under. Just then he felt a buzzing off to his side. He checked his phone groggily to see that Bram had replied.

_Hey. Don’t worry about not texting - I understand. I know what you mean about feeling shocked. I’m just so ashamed. Hope you got off to sleep okay_ _. Love you too._

Simon read the text through once, and then again. He felt his heart sink.

He couldn’t help but focus on the word “ashamed”.

What did Bram mean by that? Was he ashamed that they’d been caught, or was he ashamed of Simon?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably a good time to mention that I’m using the characterisation from the movie for Bram’s dad. Even though it was via Simon’s imagination I’m assuming it was accurate. I got quite a stern, intimidating vibe. Also, I very much doubt movie Bram got the Casanova book.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s okay. You’re home now.” Simon whispered.

**Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck on a Ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, the next I’m at rock bottom. Over and over, all day long. Because a lot about life is great. But nobody knows I’m gay.**

The disembodied voice of Brendon Urie drifted around Simon’s bedroom. Songs that would usually have given him comfort were doing nothing to help his mood. He left the music behind, climbing out onto the tiny balcony that overlooked the front garden.

The weather had finally broken - a violent storm had arrived earlier in the day along with heavy rain that lashed down on Shady Creek. It was no longer humid, and Simon felt a chill as the evening breeze blew past him. He glanced at the sky. There were no stars to be seen yet, but they’d be visible soon.

Simon looked at his phone. It was open on the screenshot he had taken, so long ago, of Bram’s tumblr post about being gay. The one that kicked everything off. Simon couldn’t put his finger on why he’d felt the need to look at Bram’s old post. He thought that perhaps he was missing Blue. Bram - who would be back from his dad’s any minute - had been somber in his recent texts. Simon couldn’t help remembering the days when their communication had been exciting, funny, and hopeful.

He still hadn’t been able to figure out exactly what Bram was ashamed of. He simply hadn’t had the courage to just ask Bram what he had meant. Simon’s self-doubt kicked in, a tiny voice in his head.

“It’s you Bram is ashamed of.”

This didn’t feel like a Ferris wheel, this was permanent rock bottom. It was as though the top of the world was completely out of reach.

~

Simon looked around his room one last time, making sure everything was tidy. He let out a nervous breath. After a restless night, he’d woken to a text from Bram, who was home and who wanted to come over. Simon’s mom and dad had okayed it and promised not to give Bram a hard time for his dad’s behaviour.

The doorbell rang. In the past Bram would have knocked once and let himself in. Maybe he was nervous too. Simon was about to head downstairs when he heard his mom open the door. He couldn’t quite make out what was said, but the next minute Bram’s heavy footfalls sounded on the stairs.

Simon turned to face his bedroom door. Bram stood just inside the threshold. Simon had almost forgotten how good he looked. He wasn’t sure how that was even possible. How could he have forgotten that face, those eyes?

Bram blinked. He swallowed, his prominent Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. Simon started forward, then hesitated. The air felt thick. Bram frowned.

“Why did you stop?” His voice was quiet.

“Huh?”

Simon knew what Bram meant. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t acknowledge it.

“You were about to come over here and then you stopped. What’s the matter?”

Simon wanted to smooth Bram’s frown away, but he was scared to touch him.

“I... I don’t know.”

Simon felt tense. He needed to relax. He moved towards his bed and sat down on the edge, his body facing the doorway. He wondered if Bram would sit beside him but instead Bram took a few long strides toward the desk and sat down heavily in the desk chair. Simon shifted around to face Bram, trying to conceal his disappointment.

“You’re angry with me.” Bram stated.

It wasn’t a question. He sounded defeated. Simon was confused. What was there to be angry about?

“I’m not angry, Bram.”

“If you’re not angry, why won’t you touch me?”

It was such a simple question. Bram’s voice was full of pain. He looked at the floor, concealing his expression.

“Bram, look at me?”

Bram raised his head.

“Why would I be angry?” Simon knew he sounded desperate.

He was struggling to understand. If Bram was ashamed of him, he would be devastated, but it certainly wouldn’t cause him any anger. Bram looked as though he was trying to make a decision. His voice was louder when he spoke again.

“I let you go. I hate myself for it. I wouldn’t blame you if you felt the same.”

Bram sighed heavily.

“I thought it was the right thing to do but... it wasn’t. My dad and I left things badly. He said some stuff that I’d rather not repeat. I thought that if I let you go, things would be okay between him and I. That wasn’t the case.”

Bram let out a choked breath. Simon felt shocked. It hadn’t even occurred to him to be angry with Bram about what had happened. It was only Bram’s dad who was at fault. Without thinking, Simon moved to eliminate the distance between them. Bram stood as Simon reached him, and Simon wrapped him in his arms. Bram leaned his head on Simon’s shoulder and Simon grasped the back of Bram’s neck, stroking him soothingly. Bram pressed a kiss onto Simon’s exposed skin.

“It’s okay. You’re home now.” Simon whispered.

~

Simon sat propped up against his pillows. He finished the last of his sandwich and pushed his plate to the side. Bram was still eating. Simon had managed to convince his mom that Bram wasn’t in the right mood to eat with the rest of the family. She was concerned for Bram but acknowledged that Simon knew best.

Bram seemed to be feeling better, but Simon was aware that whatever had happened with his dad would not be easily brushed aside. As much as he didn’t want Bram to get upset again, Simon knew he had to clarify the doubts that still hovered around the edge of his thoughts. He cleared his throat.

“Bram, I need to ask you something.”

Bram looked up from his plate, apprehension written all over his face. Simon ploughed on, wanting the whole thing to be over with.

“The other night in one of your texts, you said you were ashamed. I need to know what you were talking about.”

Simon glanced down, unable to make eye contact with Bram. He let out a long breath. He heard Bram put down the plate he was holding. Suddenly Bram’s hand came into view, resting on Simon’s leg.

“That’s what it was.”

Simon looked at Bram questioningly. Bram was smiling slightly, but his eyes looked sad.

“That’s why you wouldn’t touch me when I first got here. You thought I was ashamed of you, of us?”

Simon nodded. Bram grabbed Simon’s hand and squeezed it.

“Simon, no. Never. Surely it’s obvious that the only thing I’m ashamed of is my own behaviour? I’ll always regret letting you come back here alone.” Bram was silent for a few seconds before letting out a small chuckle. “You really are a lovable idiot.”

Simon gave a strangled laugh, his eyes threatening to fill with tears. He held Bram’s hand tighter and leaned forward to kiss him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This thing with my dad needs to be dealt with. I’m still scared, but I know you’re with me.”

There was something wrong with Bram, and Simon didn’t know what to do about it. At first, they had both been occupied with school starting back up. Simon hadn’t even been surprised that they’d seen very little of each other. He’d hardly seen his friends either. It seemed as though the entire senior year had suddenly realised that school actually mattered this year. College loomed on the horizon like a giant monster, waiting to gobble them all up, and they threw themselves into the first few weeks of class with gusto. 

Then everything settled down, and Simon noticed that Bram still wasn’t his normal self. At school, he was even more quiet than usual. Jokes seemed to brush past him, and any mention of soccer failed to engage his attention. When Simon asked him round to study or have dinner with his family, Bram was there physically, but his mental presence was sorely diminished. Everyone in the Spier household had noticed. 

Shoving books into his locker between periods, Simon considered his options for the hundredth time. He could confront Bram. The problem was almost definitely stemming from what had happened in Savannah. Simon mentally shied away from the thought of uncovering those wounds. He wanted to do what was right for Bram - to support him, but it would take a certain amount of bravery to dig up all of the buried feelings from weeks ago. 

Simon scolded himself. He had to do it - Bram needed him. Not only that, Simon needed Bram. Their physical contact had ebbed away to almost nothing. Simon couldn’t remember the last time Bram had kissed him, let alone done anything else. It really wasn’t about sex. In fact, that was way down at the bottom of the list of things Simon wanted. He just missed holding Bram’s hand and sensing Bram’s leg pressed up alongside his own as they sat at the lunch table. He wanted to rest his hand on Bram’s thigh again, and feel Bram tangle their fingers together. Most of all, he wanted to see Bram’s real smile again. Simon decided it was time to be brave. He had to confront the situation. 

~

Bram climbed into the driver’s seat of his car, and Simon took a deep breath before jumping into the passenger side after him. They had just said goodbye to their friends, who decided to stay in Nick’s basement a while longer and do anything but study. None of them knew that Simon was planning to talk to Bram. Simon sensed that they were all just doing their best to be as normal as possible for both of them regardless of what might be going on. It was clear to everyone who came into contact with Bram that something was up. 

Rain battered down on the car as Bram drove towards Simon’s house. Simon had a matter of minutes to get the conversation started. He swallowed thickly and turned down the music. Bram glanced at him, eyebrow raised in a silent question. 

“Can you pull over?”

Shit. 

Simon hadn’t meant to sound so nervous. 

Bram did as Simon requested without hesitation. He came to a stop on the quiet, tree lined strip of road that led into Simon’s neighbourhood - the first houses obstructed from view by the heavy rainfall. Bram unbuckled his seatbelt and turned slightly in Simon’s direction. Simon made eye contact with Bram, noticing the sad expression that seemed to haunt his features of late. 

“Bram, I don’t know the best way to do this. I don’t even know what to say, really, but... it just seems like lately, you’re not okay. Are you?” 

For several seconds, Bram did nothing. Simon was beginning to wonder if he should ask again when Bram sighed. He brought his long fingers up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Simon panicked, it looked as though Bram was going to get angry, then Bram’s features scrunched up. 

He started to cry. 

He didn’t make a sound. Tears slid down his cheeks in silence. Simon reached out to touch his free hand and he grasped Simon tightly. 

Bram let the tears fall steadily for a whole minute, then he took a breath. He wiped his eyes. He was done crying. He let out a laugh. There was no mirth in it, but it was full of relief.

“My mom always says that sometimes people just need a good cry.” Bram’s voice was shaky. 

“My mom says that too.” Simon smiled, his heart full of love for Bram. 

“You’re right Si, I’m not okay. I’ve been struggling these past few weeks. I just wanted to pretend everything was fine. I’ve been fighting with my mom about it. She wants to confront my dad about Savannah, but I keep telling her no.” Bram sighed again, sounding defeated.

“Oh love, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. I wanted to, but I felt it would be like ripping the bandaid off.” 

Bram nodded. He squeezed Simon’s hand. 

“It’s okay. I was trying to act like I was fine. You weren’t to know that I haven’t really healed.”

Simon looked at Bram, trying to keep his own emotions under control. It hurt him to see Bram so upset. Something had to change. 

“Bram, maybe you should let your mom speak to your dad. Or you could speak to him yourself? He needs to know how much he hurt you.” 

Bram nodded slowly. He looked down to where Simon was still holding his hand. 

“I’m scared to do that. I’m scared of what he might say. Last time...” Bram stopped short. He refused to make eye contact with Simon. Simon, wanting to make Bram feel better and not knowing what else to do, reached out to lift Bram’s chin. He moved forward slowly to place a chaste kiss on Bram’s lips. Bram looked into Simon’s eyes, then closed his own and let Simon kiss him. 

Simon felt Bram snake his hand up and through Simon’s hair, finding purchase at the back of Simon’s head and tangling his fingers gently in the strands. Bram pulled Simon tighter against him, opening his mouth at the same time. Simon eagerly followed suit, meeting Bram’s tongue with his own.

“I’ve missed you so much.” Bram whispered breathlessly against Simon’s mouth. Simon felt around for his seatbelt buckle and pressed it. He allowed Bram to pull him even closer, trying to ignore the discomfort of the hand-break digging into his leg. It was almost impossible to touch Bram the way he wanted to, but somehow he managed to get his hand up inside Bram’s shirt to run his fingers over Bram’s chest. Bram responded by unzipping Simon’s jeans, then suddenly he broke the kiss. 

“Si, wait.” Bram panted. “As much as I want to do this - and I really do, we’re in my car out in the middle of the street.” 

Simon let out a long, slow breath. He nodded and ran a hand through his hair. 

“You’re right.” He tried to make his voice as calm as possible. “There’s also the fact that you’re probably not thinking straight right now. Remember the night you first told me you loved me? I was a mess and you refused to take advantage. Let’s not do anything while you’re upset.” 

Bram broke into a smile that lifted Simon’s heart. It was the first one he’d seen in far too long. 

“You’re so chivalrous, Si.” Bram chuckled slightly, then regained his composure. “Okay. Let’s get you home. I’ll talk to my mom - maybe she can suggest the best way forward. This thing with my dad needs to be dealt with. I’m still scared, but I know you’re with me. You’ll keep me strong.” 

“Of course I will Bram. I love you.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon’s heart gave a squeeze at the look of determination on Bram’s face. He wished he could stand up too, and put his arm around Bram, but he didn’t feel brave enough. Bram’s dad intimidated him.

Staring into Bram’s eyes Simon recognised - not for the first time - just how similar they were in colour to his own. Bram had once told Simon that he loved the fact that they had just one physical feature in common. Simon wondered if his eyes looked as vacant as Bram’s currently did.

Bram sat on the large L-shaped couch that took up most of the sitting room. His mom was beside him. Simon had deposited himself in an armchair. Bram’s dad was yet to appear. 

“Thank you again for being here Simon. I know Bram appreciates it.” 

Bram broke eye contact with Simon to look at his mom. 

“Mom, Simon knows I’m glad he’s here.” 

Bram’s voice, which on any other occasion would have sounded mildly exasperated, remained curiously flat. Simon knew that Bram was nervous to face his dad, and that he was probably attempting to distance himself from his emotions. It was something that Bram was prone to do lately, and it had started to rub off on Simon. 

Since school started back, Simon had noticed things that used to get him worked up just didn’t seem as important anymore. He suspected that Bram’s influence was going to be beneficial in what was to come. It would be better to remain slightly detached, when coming face-to-face with Bram’s dad for the first time since Savannah, than to let emotions get out of control. 

Bram’s mom didn’t respond to him, but instead gave Simon a reassuring smile. Simon could only imagine that she was used to Bram’s behaviour. She reached around behind Bram and rested a protective arm over his shoulders. Bram gave her a grateful look before retreating back into himself to await his dad’s arrival.

~

“As hard as it may be for you to accept, Bram, I’m your parent and I might actually know what’s best for you.” 

Bram remained silent, as did his mom. Simon didn’t know where to look. The air in the room felt heavy, as though there was an imminent thunder storm. Bram’s dad seemed to take the lack of a response from anyone as a cue to keep talking. 

“You’re just too young to be in such a serious relationship. You need to be out in the world, learning and growing, before you can commit yourself to such things.” 

At that moment, Bram’s dad turned to face Simon, who thought he could finally identify with a deer caught in headlights.

“Simon, you seem like a lovely young man, but you and Bram both need to have time to experience other things-“

“Other things?” Bram cut in sharply. “You mean like, girls?” 

Bram was doing a good job of seemingly remaining detached, but Simon could tell that underneath the surface he was seething. Nothing his dad had said in front of Simon blatantly proved that he didn’t accept Bram’s sexuality, but Simon wondered if they were getting close to what had upset Bram so much in Savannah. Simon could see the colour rise in Bram’s dad’s face as he adopted a defensive stance, crossing his arms in front of his body. 

“Quite frankly Abraham, you don’t have enough life experience to know if you are gay, straight, or anything else for that matter. You certainly do not have the maturity required to be as serious with Simon as you are. I’m surprised Simon’s parents haven’t said likewise, they seem like respectable people.”

At that, Bram’s mom decided to say her piece. She cleared her throat delicately and stood to face her ex-husband, a pleasant, but false, smile on her face.

“I suppose I can assume that I’m not to be considered respectable, given the fact that I wholly approve of Simon, and of Bram’s sexuality. Unfortunately we don’t seem to be getting anywhere here, and I think it’s time for you to go. That is, unless Bram feels there’s any reason for you to stay?” 

She directed her question to Bram, who also stood. 

“No. You should go dad. I understand that you don’t approve of my relationship, but I’m not giving Simon up. It’s just not going to happen.” 

Simon’s heart gave a squeeze at the look of determination on Bram’s face. He wished he could stand up too, and put his arm around Bram, but he didn’t feel brave enough. Bram’s dad intimidated him. 

Simon watched from his armchair as Bram’s dad turned in silence and walked towards the front of the house. Nobody made a move to see him out. Bram’s mom spoke up just as her ex-husband was crossing the threshold to leave. 

“Oh, and for your information, Simon’s parents got together in high school, at the age the boys are now. Neither of them have an issue with the boy’s relationship. Or the fact that they’re gay.” 

Brams dad hovered in the doorway for a second before walking away, leaving the front door standing open behind him.

~

Bram collapsed onto his bed facedown. He let out a small groan into his pillows, then lifted himself up into a sitting position. Simon sat on the end of the bed, facing him. 

“That was horrendous.” 

“Yeah. It was fucking awful. I’m so sorry Bram. I really thought you and your dad would get things sorted out.” 

Bram shook his head slightly. His expression resigned. 

“No. I suspected this might happen. He’s so stubborn.” Bram sighed. “It’s actually laughable that he thinks we’re too young to be aware of our sexuality. It doesn’t even make sense, surely he knew he was straight at our age!?”

“It does seem very old fashioned. Also, the fact that he thinks we’re too young to even be together...” Simon chuckled. “I wanted to high-five your mom when she mentioned that my parents were a couple at our age.” 

Bram laughed. It was the first time Simon had heard him sound remotely positive all day. 

“Yeah that was pretty epic.”

Simon watched as Bram’s smile and the light in his eyes slowly faded back to nothing. He knew that the repercussions of Mr Greenfeld’s actions would stay with Bram for a long time. 

“Bram I want you to promise me something?” Simon reached out to wrap his fingers around Bram’s upturned hand. “If you ever feel down, not just about the stuff with your dad, about anything, please tell me?” Simon stopped to consider what he wanted to say next. “Even if it comes out of nowhere, I want you to let me know so that I can be there for you. I can’t stand the thought of you going through anything bad alone.” 

Simon gave Bram’s hand a squeeze. 

“You’re not alone. You’ve got me, and I think... I think that will always be the case.” 

Simon looked at Bram, feeling himself blush, hoping that what he’d said wasn’t too intense. Bram looked back, silent, contemplating. Finally he broke into his trademark wide grin, the one that Simon loved. It told Simon that what he’d said was okay, and Simon leaned in to kiss him softly.


End file.
